Chocolate, Squishy Walls and a Light Switch

I've started thinking a lot lately as to why I eat.  I’ve never really thought of myself as an emotional eater but I’ve come to realize that I eat to protect myself.

I started looking back to a few months ago when I began to gain a little more weight.  I had held my weight for a long time and was caught off guard when I started gaining once again.  Looking back, I shouldn’t have been but I was.

The scale creep started up after one specific event.  The ministry I had been involved had an unexpected visitor one evening.  I was called out into another room to be talked to about the visitor and was completely unprepared for what my ears were hearing.  That first event I wanted to come right out of my skin and the thought screaming through my brain was keep the girls safe.

Later we went to get food and I could only pick at my plate.  At home though, when I was by myself, there was no picking.  I found some Ghirardelli dark chocolate squares and I ate a couple of those.  Popped a bag of popcorn and ate some of that.  Then I came across a box of licorice and I ate a few of those as well.  I never thought about why or what I was eating. 

After speaking to someone from the church I was reassured that the one who made my brain scream would not be coming back to our group.  I calmed down over the week.

The following weekend though resulted in a phone call at about 1:30pm on the day that our ministry met.  To my horror I sat and listened as I was told that this person would be allowed to join our group and that they were planning on attending that very night.

I hung up the phone and promptly began to have a meltdown.  What does every girl need when she has a meltdown?  Don’t know about you but my band-aid of choice is chocolate.  So I ate a bowl of mint chip ice cream.  It was a small bowl but again, clearly I was eating for the wrong reasons even though I never saw it.

I sat down at one of the tables at church and I was not myself….not one bit.  My friend SF was sitting across the table from me and I could feel him watching me with such concern.  I looked up and he mouthed the question “Are you OK” but I couldn’t answer and I had to look away.  Even as he sat there watching me I could not look him in the eyes again.  That was not how I wanted him to find out what had happened to me.  The same feelings of being scared and angry were all right there.  Had you asked a week prior if I was a victim of rape I would have answered “No, I’m a survivor of it”.  That night though, I did not feel like a survivor.  Usually, I’ll eat only half of whatever it is that I order, that night at dinner I remember eating my entire meal.  Once home I began to munch on a little of this and a little of that. 

As I started really looking at my eating habits I had an “ah ha” moment….the light switch flipped.  I eat because I’m scared.  There is a certain part of me that is scared to be attractive.  Fear that being attractive will somehow crack the door and allow what happened to me before be a risk again.  So I’ve built up these walls…these squishy walls.  I’m not protected by, happy with or proud of these squishy walls.  I found myself angry and dismayed that I let T2 have control of my life like this.

So now I take control…..